Late Life autism diagnosis

or more correctly:

a long, Long, long, long, long missed autist

I have spent a lifetime trying to find balance between how I feel inside and how the world responds to me. All my life, I am a stand and support for others to find their good, their true path. I enjoy introducing people and sharing everything I learn so everyone has the opportunity to gain all they can, which eventually led to becoming a psychotherapist. Someone recently described this helper part of me as, “when you are up, others are up.” Granted, training as a therapist was centered in learning about me, while sharing what I learn clinically and personally creates gifts I share with others.

I always believed I wasn’t smart enough. I never felt I could fit in anywhere—I was and am socially awkward, never feeling as cool as others seemed to be no matter how I mimicked clothing, hair, styles, cars—never feeling I belonged. It took nine years for me to complete my BA after five schools, and I never passed a math class.

I now have two MAs and a PhD (statistics not required).

Many times I enthusiastically supported others, only to have them sideswipe me with harms.

I am now in my 60s and still seeking answers. I was diagnosed Autistic in 2022 on my 59th birthday. An ADHD diagnosis followed a few years later. I now understand I struggled with school because I have a few learning disabilities: dyscalculia (math), alexithymia (finding words for emotions or even having correct emotions), dyslexia, maybe more.

I thought I was stupid and, instead, I was simply missed by those who could have helped but didn’t know to look at someone like me. At a young age I sought ways to belong by taking leadership roles that were supported by caring vice-principals, professors, and teams. I was a cheerleader in middle school and high school.

Masking was not only about learning to mimic in social settings but I also learned how to present and act like different personalities through public speaking, acting training, and being characters in plays. I started acting in middle school, had leads in high school theater and even musicals in college and neighborhood theater. I continued as a paid professional in San Antonio, Dallas, and Los Angeles, taught by coaches on the craft of being me as other characters, which gave me very specific masking skills. I started training in public speaking in middle school, competed in high school, and was a national award winner in college forensics (public speaking competition).

So, when people say to me, “you don’t look autistic” I can answer that is because I am highly trained and people see me as the teacher or presenter. Only close friends and partners see the stressors or burnout behind the scenes over the years; the ways I never continued offering retreats or taking my dissertation to a workshop level. How I get exhausted after presenting or teaching, or how overwhelmed I get at the idea of being famous or just publishing. I distracted over the years by working for others and moving around a lot. Now I know this was all a mechanism of AuDHD.

I am writing again and hoping to publish my process with clients, while the memoir is seeking my attention—this late autism diagnosis and the ways I was struggled in relationships and careers, how it was so hard to find myself over my lifetime.

I am building my writing privately and sharing some of my writing on Substack @drdaniellewisephd

You can find me on Instagram, https://www.instagram.com/dr.danielle_wise/#